A Good Opportunity
by Steph's Puppet
Summary: Challenge response. Madness has taken over the Watchtower: Superman has lost his mind, Batman is suffering caffeine withdrawal symptoms and Wonder Woman is dressed up like a pirate. And somewhere aboard Watchtower lurks a hidden evil... BMxWW, minor HGxGL and SMxLL.


AN: Contains Batman X Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl X Green Lantern (John). Possible OOCness. Lots of bad things happen to Superman.

It was just another ordinary morning in Watchtower. The Earth spun, the Moon circled, the villains schemed and the heroes relaxed onboard their omnipresent metal ship.

Everything was still and quiet. Everything was just perfe-

"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! YOU SELF CENTRED MORON!"

Oh how such perfect moments end so abruptly. Shayera and John were once again in the midst of a vicious argument over a subject no one else particularly cared about but was obviously terribly important to their relationship.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ME? I KNOW IT WAS YOU!"

"AS IF! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO APPEAR INNOCENT BY BLAMING ME!"

* * *

Elsewhere on Watchtower, the perfect example of self discipline and restraint sat opposite a steaming mug of coffee. Arms folded defensively, Batman glared at the mug of delicious caffeine filled goodness in an unhopeful effort to intimidate the offending article as he had done with almost every single criminal in Gotham. To no result. Although upon close examination the cup _did _appear to be shaking.

**Whilst I admire your incredible self restraint Batman, surely, the penalty for giving in isn't so bad.**

Go away J'onn.

**I'm just saying, it's been a **_**week**_** and the withdrawal symptoms can't be helping you with your nightly activities.**

My "nightly activities" are none of your business. Furthermore, the week is almost over and I do _not _lose bets based on self control. Besides, don't you have your date to worry about?

**But-**

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

* * *

Welcome to the wonderful world of Superman's head!

Please note, we cannot be held responsible for any mental trauma caused by visiting this place.

_Oh the dilemmas! Lois Lane, why must you be such a complicated and confusing person? What was wrong with the way things were? Why change?_

"_Superman. Seriously. Do you have e-mail or a phone or anything? I'm getting sick of standing on the roof of _The Planet_ and screaming until you get there."_

_WHAT DO I DO? What if she doesn't reply? What if I say something really stupid? HOW DO TEENAGERS DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF STRESS? _

_OH! I know! I'll ask Supergirl for advice, she'll know what to do!_

_Actually… on second thoughts that's probably not such a good idea bearing in mind what happened last time I asked for advice… *mental shudder* Maybe I should ask Batman, he's very good with the opposite gender… but he's still off the caffeine… and he … scares me…_ _Okay Clark. Get a grip! You are a super strong, indestructible alien! You. Are. Superman. YOU CAN DO THIS!_

…

…

_Oh God, I can't do this._

Now leaving Superman's mind. Have a pleasant journey home.

* * *

As Superman worked diligently on the computer composing an e-mail to his sort-of-possibly-could-be-considered-in-a-roundabout-way-girlfriend, a being of great evil watched him and cackled evilly. Glancing up from the computer screen Superman noticed the evil being but was not observant enough to see its true nature.

"Aw." Superman said looking at the creature, "What a cute parrot!" The parrot narrowed its beady little eyes.

"Who are you calling cute you ugly disturbing creature!"

"Excuse me?" Superman was both surprised and hurt, there was a marvellous talking parrot in his presence and it was insulting him! The parrot then proceeded to mock him repeatedly in multiple languages (all of which Superman understood) commenting on everything from Superman's size to his obvious lack of intelligence.

It was only after being called slimy snot nosed pathetic excuse for a sack of garbage in Japanese that Superman lost his temper. Dramatically he stood up from his desk chair, faced the parrot and put his hands on his hips. He then bellowed: "If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? **And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?**" Having successfully quoted Shakespeare, he continued "You sir, have wronged me! And now, I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

Squawking frantically, the parrot flew from the room as fast as it could to avoid the pumpkins being thrown at it with superstrength.

* * *

With shaking hands (a withdrawal symptom caused by the removal of caffeine from his system) and a blinding headache (ditto), Batman alternated between checking the time on the Bat-Watch and starring at the fresh cup of coffee that was before him. Any moment now, he would have won the bet and would be able to drink that wonderful elixir that had been denied from him for far too long.

The temptation to just reach out and grab the cup was very strong. It had been prepared exactly the way he liked it, the coffee beans specially imported and prepared. It was also at the right strength, strong enough to wake up an elephant and with one teaspoon of sugar that very few people knew he took. Damn she was desperate to win this bet! But his self control was stronger, he would not give in! Especially now that J'onn had left for his date and was no longer nagging him to give up!

The enhanced auditory system in his cowl alerted him to the sound of the door opening. Almost hopefully he checked a nearby reflective surface to see who was coming through the door. To his disappointment it was only Hawkgirl and Green Lantern, still bickering.

"I know it was you!"

"It can't have been me since it definitely was _you_!"

"You liar!" The arguing gradually increased in volume and Batman's headache evolved into a migraine. Turning to the two of them he gave them the Supreme Bat Glare 3000 (copyright 2010) and watched them shrink back and flee with great sadistic satisfaction.

Batman then returned to staring at his coffee. The next time the door opened, the guest was much more favourable…

Wonder Woman slipped in and upon catching sight of The Dark Knight she smiled and skipped over to him to check his coffee. The smile faded slightly when she saw that it, like all the others, was untouched and she dropped the small branch of mistletoe she was holding into the bin.

"Oh well. You win." She sighed, "Do you worst." Smirking, Batman handed over a plastic bag that had been by his side since the start of the bet and grabbed his still steaming cup of coffee. Although Diana didn't particularly like the forfeit (especially upon seeing the contents of the bag) she had to admit it was worth it to see the almost blissful expression on his normally stoic face.

* * *

Flash hadn't been this frightened since Batman had last used the Supreme Bat Glare 3000 (copyright 2010) on him. But Batman was Batman, and such behaviour was expected. Superman was supposed to be the calm and controlled one! The fearless leader! The scene at the moment most definitely did not support that image.

All Wally had been doing was minding his own business… and indulging in his guilty pleasure of watching notorious "chick flicks". The Notebook in this particular instance. When out of nowhere, Superman had barged uninvited into the room with enough chocolate to drive Willy Wonka bankrupt! Now, Superman was openly sobbing at the events in the film whilst digging into Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Brownie Ice Cream.

Any attempt Flash had made to discover what was wrong with the Kryptonian had only resulted in a few mumbled words including: Lois Lane, E-mail and Parrot. It was times like these Flash wished he was as smart as Batman; it would make life a hell of a lot easier.

Maybe he should call Linda… she would probably know what to do… and it _was _her fault he became hooked on these kind of films. That and they were so addictive! Superman let out a particularly loud sob.

"No Allie! Don't marry that weirdo! Don't you see that Noah still loves you?"

Flash paled. If someone, _anyone_ got him out of this situation now he'd be their slave for the rest of his life!

"… what on earth?" Flash looked to the door and to his relief there stood were Black Canary and Green Arrow!

"Hey guys! Want to watch The Notebook with us!" _Please please please! I'll do anything!_

"Not re-"

"I love this film!" Black Canary almost shrieked and grabbing hold of Green Arrow's arm she yanked him down to sit with the other two. Soon, both Superman and Black Canary were crying whereas Green Arrow and Flash both looked uncomfortable.

"Hey what's that on your costume Arrow?" Flash asked pointing at a small white patch on the hero's shoulder. Green Arrow scowled.

"There's a parrot going around watchtower, it decided it didn't like the look of me and did its business on my shoulder." There was a steely glint in his eyes, "Next time I see it, I'm using it for target practice."

"Both of you shut it!" Black Canary ordered, "I'm missing the film because of your talking!"

* * *

An island seeming like paradise, the ocean lapping against the golden sand as the palm trees gentle sway with the breeze. But the island itself was so small, only the size of a room in a house. And on this island stood four individuals: one bathed in shadows with no discernable form or features, another dressed in the attire of Athena with an owl resting on her shoulder, the third dressed in the armour of a warrior holding a huge broadsword and finally, the fourth giddy with happiness and faintly resembling the depictions of Aphrodite.

These were four major annoyances in Diana's life since they lived in her head and spent their time giving her confusing and irritating advice… such as now.

"I've told you before." Shadow hissed, "We should just kill him and get it over with!"

"She won't do that! She _loves_ him!" Love sighed happily. "One day they're going to get married and have lots of children and live happily in complete happiness for the rest of their lives together!" Shadow gagged.

"In a way I have to agree with Love. Diana will probably marry this 'Batman' but not because of love but because it would be the smart thing to do." Wisdom explained, "After all the man would pass on favourable genes to their offspring, perhaps not as good as Superman…"

"Superman no good." Warrior growled. "Too dependant on powers, is a weakling without them."

"You're probably right Warrior, Batman is also extremely intelligent and would be a good teacher to any children they have."

"Yes… but he is emotionally traumatised." Shadow cackled, "Who knows? Maybe he will kill Diana first? Or turn their children into psychotic mass murdering maniacs!"

"But he wouldn't do that!" Love protested, "He loves her!"

"But what proof is there?" Wisdom reasoned, "If he truly loved her he would have lost the bet on purpose."

"Warrior's pride. Never accept defeat." Warrior explained.

"Do I get any say in the matter?" Diana asked with mild annoyance at practically being shut out of the conversation.

"No." They all answered at the same time.

"Well screw you lot then." Diana then returned to the present. She'd been sitting in her room since she'd lost the bet and was feeling a little too sorry for herself to get up and leave, especially with the forfeit she'd gained from losing the bet to Batman.

Someone knocked at the door, and Diana desperately hoped it wasn't Batman… but then again he never did knock.

"Come in." J'onn opened the door and smiled at her, having returned from his date at the fair with a toy hippo and a confused expression. "Is something the matter J'onn?"

"Yes." The Martian looked terribly perplexed by something, "My date mentioned she had something called 'h i p p o p o t o s t r o s e s q u i p p e d a l i o p h o b i a' but I've never come across this word before… so I kept asking her what it meant but every time I did she just got more and more upset. I don't understand it."

"Well, I'm sorry but I don't know what it means. You should ask Batman, he knows everything practically."

* * *

Meanwhile, back with The Notebook watchers…

"Superman! PUT. DOWN. THE. CHOCOLATE. BAR. AND NOBODY GETS HURT!" The scene looked like something out of a horror film but more… sweet. The walls, ceiling, floor and league members were all covered head to toe in chocolate after one of the most epic food fights in history.

Just after Allie left Lon for Noah, the sugar Superman had been consuming went straight to his head sending him into a sugar induced super high. At which point, after assuming a demented look on his face, he'd started pelting his fellow film watchers with his massive stash of chocolate.

Because of Superman's speed and strength it took a short while for Green Arrow, Flash and Black Canary to realise that Superman had lost his mind and was attacking them, by then they were already covered and unrecognisable.

It was to this scene that Batman walked into. He'd heard the screaming and had come to investigate. Now, he wished he hadn't bothered. But then again something had to be done and luckily, Batman had just the thing. He reached into one of the pockets on his utility belt and pulled out a very prettily decorated Easter Egg. Waving it around a little he waited until he had Superman's undivided attention and threw it at his face.

Superman caught the egg with ease due to his meta reflexes "Pretty…" the deranged superhero bit into the Easter Egg. Having munched happily for a few seconds, his eyes suddenly widened and he dropped to the floor unconscious.

"Chocolate mixed with a specially designed sedative made of out Kryptonite. Get him into the training room." Batman ordered the three. "Didn't you know Superman has negative reactions to chocolate?" Guiltily they all shook their heads and prepared to carry/drag the hero to the lockable training room. When suddenly J'onn came in.

"Batman there you are!" The Martian said in relief having caught sight of him. "Do you know what 'h i p p o p o t o m o n s t r o s e s q u i p p e d a l i o p h o b i a' means?"

"Yes. It's a fear of long words."

"Well that makes sens- ARGH!" Without warning the evil parrot of doom had attacked J'onn and stolen his stuffed Hippo. "Hey give that bac-OW!" Having head butted the alien the parrot flew out of the room with the toy hippo.

"You'll never catch me!"

* * *

Back in Wonder Woman's room the Amazonian princess continued to mope having changed her uniform to the pirate costume (including eye patch, plastic sword and bandana) that Batman had provided for her forfeit. Admittedly, it wasn't as bad as she'd original feared but nevertheless she did look like she was going to go pillage somewhere. The worst part was that Diana had to wear it around all day and endure whatever comments came as a result without reacting.

Putting off her humiliation she'd settled in her room, under the mistaken impression that she would not be disturbed. As of yet, she'd been disturbed by J'onn (who had thankfully not seen what she was wearing) and what had sounded like an angry mob that stormed past her room shouting and screaming. But hopefully she would now be left alon-

"DIANA! I need to talk to you!" Sighing, Diana opened the door to let Shayera in. "I cannot believe him! And he's actually trying to blame me for it! Do you know what he did?" The clearly agitated Hawkgirl finally turned to face her close friend and did a double take upon seeing what she was wearing. "Um… Diana, remember when I told you that just because there's an outfit on the clothes rack, does _not _mean it's socially acceptable to wear in public."

"I know that Shay." Diana rolled her eyes, "If you must know I'm wearing this because I lost a bet."

"You made a bet? With who and over what?"

"Batman. I bet him he couldn't last a week without coffee." Shayera winced in sympathy.

"Bad idea Di. He has the most self control I've ever seen. So I get that you had to dress up if you lost… but what would you have gained if you had somehow miraculously won?"

"One kiss." Diana blushed. "No complaints or excuses. It was really a game of just trying to embarrass each other." She added quickly at seeing Shayera's astonished expression.

"Of course." Shayera replied sceptically. "There was absolutely _no_ romantic interest involved." Diana was fairly certain that there was a touch of sarcasm in Shayera's tone, but she could not be sure. "Anyway for future reference, if you're trying to find out what makes Batman tick, I'd recommend talking to Nightwing or Oracle. They probably know him better."

But to Shayera's annoyance, Diana was no longer listening. She had her head cocked to one side and was listening intently.

"Did you hear something…?" Shayera opened the door and poked her head outside searching for the mysterious source of noise, but she saw nothing in front of her.

"I can't see anythi-" Shayera was interrupted when from above her head the dreaded parrot flew into their room. It hovered in the air a few seconds cackling evilly, catching sight of Diana it imitated a wolf whistle.

"Nice outfit wench! I can be your special parrot!"

"Polly want a…cracker…?" Shayera managed to weakly stutter due to the shock of having a wig wearing parrot in the room. On close examination, the wig appeared _very_ similar to the one Lex Luthor had most recently used… Ignoring her musings the parrot growled threateningly.

"I am so sick of being stereotyped in this way! My name is _not _Polly and I most certainly do not want a CRACKER!" Suddenly enraged, the parrot reached its beak into a small satchel around its body and promptly started throwing slices of cured meat at the two stunned women. Rapidly emptying his supply and proudly watching both shriek obscenities at him; the mysterious wigged parrot flew away from the main area of Watchtower to its secret hiding place: the most recently seized stash of Luthor disguises including a hug pile of different styled wigs and moustaches.

"You know," Shayera remarked, "that parrot probably raided the onboard charcuterie." Seeing Diana's baffled expression, Shayera elaborated. "A charcuterie is a store specialising in selling cured meat."

"And we have one onboard…. Why?"

"Dunno." Shayera shrugged, "A league member apparently really likes meat. Now come on, I need to redo your makeup and you need to honour your forfeit to Batman."

"But why do you need to redo my makeup?"

"…hehe…"

* * *

In the training room…

"They must have cloned me again." Superman murmured suspiciously casting glances at the being on the other side of the room who looked exactly like him. "I can tell he's plotting something terrible… he keeps looking back at me… I must inform the League about this, we could all be in terrible danger!"

With a front seat to Superman's madness, Batman watched the live video footage of the aforementioned hero attempting to sneak up on and ambush… a mirror. Anyone else would probably have been on the floor laughing but Batman was far too absorbed in his beautiful, rich coffee to do anything more than smirk.

Either way, the footage was being recorded and he would take a copy back to Wayne Manor for future blackmail. He had briefly considered sending it as an attachment in an e-mail to a certain Miss Lois Lane but ultimately decided not to, preferring instead to have Superman owe him a favour. Maybe once he'd regained his sanity, Batman would make him look around for that blasted parrot that had been annoying everyone so much.

Just thinking about the demonic creature pissed Batman off. He'd encountered the thing previously and it had insulted his costume, up to the point when The Dark Knight had reminded it that parrots were still considered a delicacy in certain parts of the world. It had shut up and flown off quite soon after that threatening comment.

Captain Atom barged into the room, probably intent on reviewing some old videos but Batman was feeling particularly mean so decided to give him the experimental Apocalyptic Bat Glare (patent pending) with a most satisfying result of "Meep!" and Captain Atom fleeing from the room. Life was good.

As Batman contemplated the advantages and disadvantages of the Apocalyptic Bat Glare (patent pending) versus other Bat Glares such as the Shut-It-Flash Bat Glare (c. 2005) and the I-Was-NOT-Smiling Bat Glare (c. 2007) his happy moment of recalling various expressions of terror (from Flash especially) was abruptly finished by the entrance of a certain cutlass wielding League member.

"Hi." Was the oh so eloquent monosyllabic greeting used by Wonder Woman.

"Hi." In an attempt to appear unaffected by how _amazing_ Wonder Woman looked in her fancy dress costume, Batman turned away to watch Superman continue to make a fool of himself. At this current moment the "epic" superhero had attempted to use his Laser Vision on his foe (the _reflective _surface) and had only succeeded in maiming himself. Batman smirked.

A tad annoyed that Shayera's makeover had failed to produce a reaction from the Dark Knight, Diana attempted to regain Bruce's attention. "Why don't you like me?"

"I _do _like you. You are the only remotely bearable person in the League." She was _remotely bearable_? The _remotely bearable_ League member at this point was struggling to not become _completely unbearable_ by throttling the insufferable man. Oblivious to her fury, he listed a few reasons why she was deserving of such high praise:

"Superman's lost his mind, Hawkgirl and Green Lantern are arguing over something completely mundane, Flash annoys me and J'onn has been nagging me all day." So not only was she _remotely bearable _but she was _remotely bearable by __**comparison**_. With a furious anger almost rivalling Hera's upon discovering Zeus's infidelity , Diana was about to explain to him using extremely colourful language why she would like to rearrange his face when they were interrupted by the sudden appearance of John and Shayera, both of whom were still arguing. John stopped abruptly to stare questioningly at Diana's new outfit

"I know you did it." Hawkgirl hissed at John, having not noticed his distraction, "And I will _prove _it! BATMAN!"

"Yes."

"PLAY THE FOOTAGE FROM THE KITCHEN AT 10PM"

"Of course I will." Batman deadpanned. "Since you asked so nicely and I have nothing better to do with my time."

"I'll take your Monitor Duty for the next month."

"Done." Batman pressed a few buttons on the keyboard and departed from the room, gently bumping into Diana on his way out.

Having felt something drop into the pocket of her pirate costume, Diana reached in and pulled out a small folded piece of paper. Unfolding it revealed the small, neat writing of Bruce Wayne:

"_Caffeine Addicts" coffee shop in Gotham. Tomorrow, can discuss our next bet._

_BW_

As Diana smiled to herself, having finally succeeded in making _some_ progress, John and Shayera eagerly watched the CCTV footage to find out which of them had committed the ultimate sin: taking the last slice of apple pie in the fridge. The video revealed a small shadow moving towards the suspiciously open fridge. It was…

…

THE PARROT! It swooped into the fridge and flew back out with its prize: the sought after slice of apple pie.

John and Shayera looked at each other, the exact same thought in both of their heads. _Kill the parrot._

* * *

AN: Challenge response to Bruce and Diana Wayne on b a t m a n w o n d e r w o m a n . c o m

Sorry if there are any mistakes, and the characters are probably OOC. I did my best though. You also may have noticed either "" or a word mentioned twice with spaces between every letter. doesn't seem to like the word very much and deleted it when I wrote it normally.

* * *

****

A Good Opportunity


End file.
